The Cynic's Dictionary

BODY PIERCING - Self-mutilation as a fashion statement among nonconforming young people who crave peer acceptance. A practice generally frowned upon by concerned parents who used to gain their own peer acceptance by taking hallucinogenic drugs and plotting to blow up the Pentagon.

FREEDOM - 1. In the U.S., the sacred right to speak and act according to one's conscience, except when dealing with sensitive special-interest groups or militant Republican administrations. 2. What the U.S. frequently exports to developing nations, by force if necessary.

GEEK - The lowest form of life at a carnival and the highest form of life at a technology company, which implies the superiority of carnivals.

LAWYER - A personal advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

OPPORTUNIST - Someone skilled at exploiting people and events for personal gain, a behavioral aberration generally punished with fame and riches.

REVOLUTIONARY - An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.