Random Thought

There's a lady at my school who is a dog enthusiast. Specifically she owns several pugs and is actively involved in rescuing them. All quite admirable, I'd say.

On the back of her SUV, I noticed a bumper sticker that says "Hug a Pug".

All I could think to myself was, "Good thing she's not into rescuing ducks"

My Celebrity Look-alikes

Elective Surgery for Athletes

With football season starting back up, I've been thinking a lot about those Breathe Right strips. If you haven't seen them, they're these little band-aid looking things that you put on the outside of your nose to expand your nostrils so that you can intake more air through your nose, while simultaneously making it look like you snort a lot of cocaine.

The other night it occurred to me. I wonder how long it will be before some of these athletes will stop using these strips and just get nostril enhancement surgery*. Once that starts, how far will it go?

I bet that it will start out simply enough. Little implants will be added to expand the nostrils slightly. Pretty soon, everybody will be doing that though, so the people who really want a competitive advantage will start cutting slits along the edges of their noses so that they look like gills. The next step after that catches on will be to just remove the nostrils, and then the nose, completely.

I would a hydraulic nose myself. It would be sweet to be able to push a button and have my nose retract. I could walk around the barrio with some one nostril motion going. If I flipped a switch, my face would start bouncing.

To prove my pimpness, I'd definitely have to get the platinum package too, with neon around the rims, hardwood floors, diamond tipped nasal hairs.

I bet this surgery concept would bleed over to other sports too. Soccer players could have the sides of their feet reinforced with steel. Basketball players could have their arms lengthened by two or three feet. Hockey players could get teeth that wiggle back and forth like that spring behind your bedroom door used to do. The possibilities are practically endless.


* Remember, you heard it here first.

My kid is accidently hilarious, redux

Yesterday, Angel sent Meatball out to get the mail. He returns a couple of minutes later and hands her an envelope. "Thanks" she says to him. "You're welcome." he responds happily.

Then, as an afterthought he adds, "There is still more mail in the mailbox." as he walks away happily. Content with himself for a job well done.

My kid is accidently hilarious

Yesterday, while I was on my way home from work, he was supposed to be getting ready for karate. He was having trouble finding all of the parts of the uniform though, so his mom told him to call me and ask me where it was. This is the phone conversation from her perspective. (Picture this coming from an 8 year old.)

*dials*
"Hi Dad. Have you seen my jock strap?"
"Have you seen my jock strap?"
"It's me dad! Your son."
"Dad?"
"Mom, I think that was the wrong number."

Anyway, this is hysterical to me, because I keep picturing what the guy on the other side of the call must have been thinking. It's got to seem pretty random for an 8 year old to call up asking for his jock strap.

I love random humor.

This reminded me of a game I made up years ago. Back in the late 90's and early 00's I used to play Yahoo! games a lot.

*sings Yahooooooooo*

*Ahem*

Anyway, one day I was in one of the spades rooms, trying to get a game going. For those who haven't been to yahoo games, there was a list on the screen of people logged into the virtual room at the time, and you can double click on their name to open a dialog window. Then you just send them a friendly message asking if they are interesting in playing at your table.

An annoying feature at the time though, was that when somebody messaged you like this, the window that popped up took precedent over any other windows you had open at the time. So if you were typing something, the text would go into this new window, and if you weren't looking, you would send that text as a reply when you hit enter.

To make matters worse, the window would then close, and you'd have no idea who you just sent a message to.

If you think about it, this is a system that is just begging for abuse.

I hate to disappoint.

So one day, I was trying to get a card game going, and I sent somebody an invite message. I got a response almost immediately.

me: "I'm starting a game on table 6. Would you like to join?"
her: "I'm kissing your manly chest."
me: "Thanks!"

...and a new game was born that was more fun than spades ever was. The trick was to try to message people, and see if you could get a random response that was meant for somebody else. I quickly learned two things.

People on yahoo love to have cyber sex.
People get really panicked when they send an erotic message to the wrong person.

You would think that catching part of a juicy conversation would be difficult, but it was, in fact, surprisingly easy. I haven't been to yahoo games in quite a few years. I wonder if this game still works.

Overheard in New York

A friend of mine told me about this site recently, and it's awesome. Basically, it's just a site filled with quotes that people have overheard in New York.

Here are a few random good ones.

*******************

Dude #1: So, why did you break up with her?
Dude #2: Because she got herpes.
Dude #1: What?! You gave it to her!
Dude #2: Yeah, I know, but it's different -- herpes is gross with girls. It's like a battle wound for guys, though.

*******************

Student #1: I was riding the six train home and I felt something on my arm. I looked over and this guy was rubbing his penis on my arm! [Class gasps in horror.]
Student #2: Well, was he cute?

*******************

College chick #1: ... And then three guys almost raped her.
College chick #2: Three?! Did they take turns?
College chick #1: Oh, they took turns.
College chick #2: Taking turns is for lame rapists.

-----

Dude looking at sign for Godiva store: If you look at that sign, you could read it as 'Go diva.'
Chick: Yeah, if you look at it through gay goggles.

--The Village

*******************

Chick #1: ... And then he just shoved his whole fist in! I mean, he didn't even place it in. I guess he was, like, really drunk or something, but I mean, still -- and everyone at the table was like, 'Awkward...'
Chick #2: So awkward!

If you could look like any celebrity?

This morning when I was reading the local paper, I happened across a picture of Lenny Kravitz, who I would dare to say, might be the sexiest man alive. (I mean seriously, who else could make the name "Lenny" seem cool?) So I thought to myself, if I could look like any celebrity, I would choose to look like Lenny Kravitz.

Then I found out that he's only 5' 10" and I'm not willing to give up my height even to look that hot.

So now I feel all empty inside because I don't know which celebrity I would want to look like if I could look like any celebrity.

I considered Brad Pitt momentarily, but he's less than 6 feet tall as well. Mark McGrath could be a viable candidate. At least he's 6' 1".

Then it hit me. Why waste such a golden opportunity? So I decided that if I could look like any celebrity, I'd choose Salma Hayek.

Of course that would just lead to a second equally important question. How can I spend more time alone, in my room, with a full length mirror?

Proud Papa

I have what could best be described as a love/hate attitude towards our government. On the one hand, I get annoyed at the seamingly endless number of politicians and beauracrats that seem to think that they know how I should behave within the privacy of my own home, or that my tax dollars would be better spent on a new piece of artwork in a government building instead of on my family's needs.

On the other hand, I'm truly appreciative of services like the police and the fire department, and I sure do find these roads they keep building to be awfully convenient.

This brings me to the subject of government schools. I didn't realize it when I was a kid, but the public school system in this country really does a good job of teaching kids that the great and glorious government is the answer to all of life's problems. Indeed, it wasn't until late in my teenage years that it even ocurred to me that the government could be wrong. I simply learned the perspective that they taught me.

In my late teens, I started becoming quite the history buff, and I was truly shocked and awed when I started learning "the rest of the story". It turned out that our glorious government sometimes does some pretty terrible things. I started to realize that, at worst, government can be downright evil, and at best it's full of beauracratic incompetence.

Flash Forward

All of this brings me to today. Munchkin goes to a government school, and in the grand tradition of government subjugation, he had this as part of one of his assignments...

"Write which part of the government you would like to work for and why?"

What would you guess that Munchkin, aka The Boy Genius, wrote as his response? That's right, he answered...

"I don’t wanna be part of the government."

*sniff* I've never been so proud.

(As a side note, I'm not sure where he got the "wanna" from. I'm wondering if he's been sneaking off to the computer in the middle of the night and instant messaging people.)

A Breakthrough in Quantum Physics

Sometimes the most random of conversations can accidently unravel some of the greatest mysteries of the universe.

Shnoogs - Have you ever noticed that skinny people walk really fast?

Eric - Nope, I've never noticed it before, but it makes sense since they are more aerodynamic. I bet they corner better too.

Shnoogs - I think it has a lot to do with WHY they are thin.

Eric - Yeah, I guess that makes sense too.

Eric - It makes me wonder, if they walk faster because they are thin, and they are thin because they walk faster, and the speed and thinness kept reinforcing each other, eventually you would have something almost infinitely small moving at the speed of light. Maybe that's what a photon is. It's a really really thin person walking really really fast.

Shnoogs - Just Wow.