Elective Surgery for Athletes

With football season starting back up, I've been thinking a lot about those Breathe Right strips. If you haven't seen them, they're these little band-aid looking things that you put on the outside of your nose to expand your nostrils so that you can intake more air through your nose, while simultaneously making it look like you snort a lot of cocaine.

The other night it occurred to me. I wonder how long it will be before some of these athletes will stop using these strips and just get nostril enhancement surgery*. Once that starts, how far will it go?

I bet that it will start out simply enough. Little implants will be added to expand the nostrils slightly. Pretty soon, everybody will be doing that though, so the people who really want a competitive advantage will start cutting slits along the edges of their noses so that they look like gills. The next step after that catches on will be to just remove the nostrils, and then the nose, completely.

I would a hydraulic nose myself. It would be sweet to be able to push a button and have my nose retract. I could walk around the barrio with some one nostril motion going. If I flipped a switch, my face would start bouncing.

To prove my pimpness, I'd definitely have to get the platinum package too, with neon around the rims, hardwood floors, diamond tipped nasal hairs.

I bet this surgery concept would bleed over to other sports too. Soccer players could have the sides of their feet reinforced with steel. Basketball players could have their arms lengthened by two or three feet. Hockey players could get teeth that wiggle back and forth like that spring behind your bedroom door used to do. The possibilities are practically endless.


* Remember, you heard it here first.