Mature wisdom

(Wow, my first blog entry ever. I don't expect anybody to read this of course, but today I feel like getting stuff of my chest, and it's easier to talk to a computer than a person.)

I was not a good student

I'm one of those people that has a small number of extremely intense interests, obsessions really, and for the most part, I've had the same obsessions since I was a small child. This isn't a bad thing, in my opinion, but it put me firmly at odds with the indoctrination style wisdom as recited by my teachers and counselors growing up.

Children are supposed to be outgoing, well rounded, and obedient (I wish). I on the other hand, was anti-social, narrowly focused, and inherently suspicious of every authority figure.

Of course, it was made clear to me that something was wrong with me, and I must conform to the way right-thinking-people think and feel.

(I suspect that every child deviates from the norm in some way and is told to knock it off by the powers that be)

Antisocial?

I'm not actually antisocial; I just like to have time to think quietly to myself now and then (to play out my thoughts to some sort of conclusion). My mind is constantly thinking about exactly two things. One of those things, of course, is the world around me. I'm thinking thoughts such as, "stop at this red light" or "the neighbor's dog crapped in my lawn again".

The other part of my mind is given to daydreaming. I can almost never seem to stop daydreaming. I find a lot of comfort in daydreaming though. Sometimes I'm just making up stories or putting myself in outlandish scenarios. It probably sounds cheesy, but I'm a grown man who likes to fantasize about fighting off packs of ninjas or piloting an intergalactic spaceship. Sometimes it's a sexual fantasy. Sometimes, it's just reliving past experiences. Either way, it's an endless source of entertainment, and frustration.

The thing is, when I tune out and start day dreaming, I really really tune out. You could stand next to me jumping up and down and calling my name, and I may not hear you for a few minutes.

Here's the catch. I can often put the part of my mind that is keeping track of my immediate surroundings on autopilot, a trance-like-state if you will. Especially the thing going on at the moment is a routine part of my life. It's common for me to drive to work (a 90 minute drive on most days), and not remember anything at all about the drive between the driveway and the parking lot.

I can vividly recall every detail of the 7th episode of the Star Wars trilogy that I made up in my head during the drive though.

(Ok I'm rambling here, good thing nobody is reading this.)

The point is that I was labeled anti-social as a kid because I enjoy spending some of my time alone with my thoughts. In fact, sometimes I have to spend time alone with my thoughts or I become unpleasant. As long as my life has a lot of routine in it, I'm ok. I can put the routine stuff on autopilot, and indulge my imagination. As a kid, that was easy, after all, what's more routine than public school?

As a student, this caused me to either ace, or almost flunk every class depending on whether or not it was a subject I was interested in. If it was a boring topic, I didn't make it two minutes before I was off in la-la land. This can be particularly embarrassing in business meetings when somebody asks me a question only to realize I haven't heard a word anybody said in two hours. (Autopilot was engaged though so I've been nodding along and occasionally even making a comment or two. I just didn't realize it.)

Aside: The autopilot gets me into a lot of trouble at home. I've been known to have a twenty minute conversation with the wife and/or kids that the active part of my brain didn't pay attention to a word of. Unfortunately, I never realize this has happened until it's too late and Shnoogs is annoyed. Who knows what sort of things I've agreed to?

As an adult, it's not so easy. I've got two kids, and a wife. I have a job that doesn't involve the exact same routine every day. All in all, it provides very little time to turn inward.

I'm not sure why, but I have noticed that if I don't get time alone, or life doesn't have enough routine to it, I quickly start feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. This can then be expressed as irritability, anger, or I just whine a lot. Either way, I'm really annoying.

Loophole

There is a way to stifle the daydreams though. Like I mentioned earlier, I have a small number of very intense interests. I have four, in fact: Video games, athletic competition, reading, and breaking stuff. Whenever I am involved in any of these activities, I'm focused like a laser beam. All other thoughts stop. There is nothing else going on in the world other than me and the task at hand. I reach a meditative like peace. A trance, if you will.

My job involves my breaking stuff fetish. (I'm trying to be clever here, but failing. By breaking stuff, I actually mean "taking stuff apart to see how it works"). I test software for a living, and when I'm really busy, it's not uncommon for me to look at the clock and realize I've been going for 6 or 7 hours straight. "Dang! Its 3:00, and I thought it was still 10:00 or so. I should probably walk around or eat lunch or something" I tell myself, then, I dismiss those thoughts and get back to work. I sure hope my boss never finds out I'm having fun.

(Wow, look how smoothly I went from the anti-social aspect to the narrowly focused aspect of my personality flaws.)

Anyway, taking stuff apart really is fun. I always feel like, by figuring out how it works, I'm delving into the mind(s) of the designer(s) of whatever it is I'm breaking. I'm fascinated at some of the amazingly innovative ideas some people have. Creative people are simply incredible, and I want to learn as much as possible about how their minds work.

Athletic competition is fun for a similar reason. When you are competing against somebody, you can study them in an environment that's different from any other. People are primal when they're competing in a sport. They have to act and react, no time for second guessing. It's the closest people ever come to being completely themselves.

Wait a minute; I'm noticing a theme here. I read books for the same reason, to learn about the creativity of the author, to get into their head, and to admire their genius.

Hmmmm, now that I think about it, I actually only have two interests. I enjoy video games and studying people.

I went back and read the opening paragraph or two of this entry, and I realized that I've been constructing this like a term paper in high school. I had a thesis statement with three main points, and I've, so far, proceeded to discuss two of those points (anti-social, narrowly focused). I guess I should move onto my distrust of authority figures, and then wrap this up with some sort of conclusion.

Authority

It's actually not that I have a problem with authority. Authority is a necessary element to society. Without it, we have anarchy. I just don't recognize the authorities that I'm supposed to. To me, to be considered a legitimate authority, you have to prove yourself to be a more capable person than me. Also, I don't see any person as an all-in-one authority. (God is not a person, duh!)

Being a teacher, manager, police officer, politician, etc... doesn't put you on a higher level than anybody else unless you earn the respect that has been appointed to you.

For example, my wife is not, by conventional standards, and authority figure over anybody except our children. However, I consider her an authority figure anyway. She has earned my respect by, among other things, proving that she has an extremely sharp mind that can cut through any spin you want to throw at her. You can take an idea and put as much of your personal opinion into it as you want, and she'll see right through you. There's no fooling that woman. She'll observe the relevant facts, discount the rest, and present you with a mind-bogglingly rational and well thought out conclusion.

She's also one of the most creative people I know. On an average day, she'll come up with three or four business ideas that could make a person wealthy. People wrack their brains for years to come up with a good-creative-never-been-done-before idea, and she insults them by flinging them out without a second thought. If you want to be successful, take a drive through the city with Shnoogs sometime, and just write down what she says. The woman is brilliant.

I can think of a lot more things that I respect about her, but I'll save that for later.

Suffice to say that, in the areas of character, strength, creativity, self sacrifice, raw intelligence, Shnoogs is more of an authority figure than any societally appointed authority I've ever known. Similar things could be said about quite a few other people I know. There are plenty of people that are an authority of some sort in my eyes who I am happy to have to set an example for me.

Of course, this is what also causes me to be a lousy student and a troublesome employee. Currently, I have a boss who knows my job and our business leaps and bounds better than me. This convenience allows things to run smoothly. I respect her.

The vast majority of my educators didn't fall into this category though. I'm sorry, but blindly following some lesson plan and reciting a text book is not worthy of respect. If I read the same text book, and experience the same lesson plan, then doesn't that make us equals? Occasionally, you come across a teacher who is much more than that. Having a math teacher who is actually a brilliant mathematician or a history teacher who has a real grasp of the intricate interworkings of history can be an experience you remember for the rest of your life. It's easy to tell the difference too, just ask a question that isn't covered in the text book. You can even ask outside of class so you don't come across as a trouble maker.

The Grand Conclusion

In conclusion, this was a way for me to let off steam. I'm rambling, somewhat pointlessly, and will likely delete this instead of posting it. I'm a bit embarrassed at how long it's gotten.

I've basically decided to have a go at organizing my thoughts via written word instead of via sitting home alone thinking them. I haven't had a chance to sit home alone in a pretty long time, and I don't want to become unpleasant, so let's see if this works. On the positive side, it allows me to think my thoughts even while being distracted from time to time. On the negative side, typing is sooooo slow. I can't type as fast as I can think, so my thoughts keep getting lost in the shuffle. I suspect this is just a big long ramble.

CUT!

The Grand Conclusion

(take 2)

ACTION!

The thing that inspired all this is a struggle that I've been dealing with. I think it's the same struggle everybody deals with at some point. As an adolescent, I truly believed that something was wrong with me. If I could only be more social, have more popular interests, etc... then I would be ok. I would trick myself into being like I was told I was supposed to be. In short, I was a miserable insecure fraud.

Once I entered the "real world", those sorts of influences largely went away. Suddenly I started having radical thoughts about being myself. Maybe it isn't so bad to be an introvert.

IBM changed my life

As I mentioned, before, I like to take stuff apart and see how it works. Well, what could be more fun to take apart than the most complex machine we have, the computer. So, that's what I do, I dissect computer software for a living. This isn't all that noteworthy except that it put me right into the middle of an entire industry run by introverted, narrowly focused people who have problems with authority and enjoy escapism.

Holy Crap! There are thousands, of people just like me.

I'm not a freak after all. I can be myself, pursue my interests, and make a pretty good living off of it. More importantly, I can stop second guessing myself, and confidently say that those people who told me to change as a kid were idiots. They meant well, but they couldn't see outside of their own little philosophy.

Ah, but it's more complicated than that. What about my kids? How can I teach them that they can be themselves? I have to admit that, pretending to be socially acceptable as a child did get me out of quite a few confrontations with bullies once I learned how to play the game. There were a lot of kids who didn't play the game so well and spent their entire childhoods as a target.

Well, as it turns out, I've developed a plan for that too.