The letter I would write if I didn't have children

Dear Rochelle,
You deserve better than me. I've always told you that you are the best person I've ever known, and I still believe that. You are honest, kind, sweet, loving and devoted. You deserve the best, and the best is what I wish for you.

You never deserved the pain I put you through. You did nothing wrong except marry a man who didn't truly appreciate what he had. I deceived myself into thinking that you didn't love me, ignoring the hundreds of things that you did that proved otherwise. When we made love, and you were distant, I only thought of how that made me feel. I never truly addressed what might be causing you to pull away. When you didn't "gush" I felt unloved instead of paying attention to your many loving actions.

Then I did the unthinkable and scarred you for life. Like I said, you unever deserved that. If anybody on this planet deserves to be treated well, it is you.

I've spent the last two years trying to undo the damage. I've tried to become a better person, husband, and man in every way I can think of. I've tried to be the person that I should have been in the first place. I fooled myself into thinking that this could possibly make things better. That it could "fix" our relationship. I've tried to put God first in our relationship, and let His love flow through me. I've tried to apply everything we learned in Radical Love. I've tried to make sure that my words and actions show you that I am a good man who made a terrible mistake. I've failed.

I realize now that nothing I can ever do will erase the pain that I caused you. Nothing will remove the scars or heal our marriage. Nothing will ever make you trust me again.

You are a person who get's comfortable in a situation. I remember back when you worked for LHS, and, even though it was making you miserable, and even though you knew you should leave, you stayed. It was easier to stay, to avoid the job interviews, than it was to leave. I've come to realize that our relationship is following that same pattern. Even though I've hurt you, and even though you would be better off with a man who would not do the things I've done, you stay with me because it's the easiest thing to do.

All that will ever come of it is recurrent misery though. There are moments, sometimes weeks, of happiness, but inevitably, it all comes crashing down again. Something triggers the pain to come back. As long as we are together, you will always suffer, and as long as we are together, you will always stay. My actions are wasting your life when you could be happier without me.

You said once that you never want to check "divorced" on a form, and I don't want you to have to either. I'd rather suffer in hell for eternity though, than continue to bring you down. I'd rather suffer knowing that you would eventually have a shot at a better marriage with a better man.

Good Bye