Shnoogs and I are an interracial couple. We don't actually like each other all that much, but we're both extremely trendy, and since I've run out of places to pierce and ink, I thought that dating somebody with a darker complexion was the next logical step towards displaying my hipness. We're actually even cooler than typical interracial couples because, in addition to the difference in pigmentation, she isn't even a US citizen. (Double bonus points.)
For reasons that I still don't understand, this leads to a seemingly endless number of questions regarding how we deal with the pressures of being an interracial couple (in the racist south).*
*The "racist south" part is typically only added by Californians. As far as I can tell, people from California have developed their entire understanding of the south from watching Dukes of Hazzard and Deliverance.
So after being asked variations of this question daily for the last 10 years, I've decided to just write them down along with my answers. Next time I'm asked, I can just direct them here. This serves a dual purpose. In addition to relieving me from the task of making up a new sarcastic answer every time, I might also be able to get my blog readership up over the 2 people mark.
These are actual questions I have been asked and answers that I have given over the last few years.
So here goes...
Q: Does anybody ever say anything about, well you know, her being *black*? (with the word "black" whispered)
A: Nope, we've been together for 10 years now and you're the first person that has ever mentioned it.
Q: I know exactly what you must go through, my sister is dating a black guy. (yes, I know it's not technically a question, but it still warrants a response)
A: Really? I haven't seen them at the meetings. On which night do they attend?
Q: Do your parents ever say anything about, well you know? (what's the deal with all the "well you knows". She's black, not dying)
A: Fortunately, my parents don't know yet. Thanks to the miracle of science that is Michael Jackson makeup, we've managed to avoid THAT particular argument.
Q: Do her parents ever say anything about you being white? (it's a-ok to mention me being white. I feel cheated. I want to be a "well you know" too.)
A: They had a problem with it at first, but once they realized that I loves me some collard greens and pigs feet, the culture shock just disappeared.
Q: Does her [extended] family ever say anything about you being white?
A: Not at all. Since I've a very courteous person, I make sure to exclusively use MTV hip-hop slang around them in order to make them more comfortable.
Q: You must be really well hung to be able to compete with black men and get a black woman. (somebody seriously said this to me)
A: This doesn't really warrant a response. Just a nod and a knowing wink.
Q: Are your children beautiful? Interracial children are always so beautiful.
A: That's a myth actually. We had children, but they were butt-ugly, so we sold them and adopted some beautiful Latin kids. So far, nobody has noticed.
Q: Your wife is Jamaican. I bet you guys smoke a lot of ganja.
A: That's the American way to get high. Jamaican people actually powderize the weed and snort it. You should try it, the high is spectacular.
Q: When did you first realize that you only date black women? (people love to make assumptions)
A: What?!? She's what?!? [feigned panic] Oh Crap! Oh Crap! My parents are going to fricking kill me. Why the hell didn't you mention that before?!?
(For the record, I'm going to divorce her the minute that either Salma Hayek or Jessica Biel finally start returning my calls. She has the same standing rule regarding Shamar Moore and Henry Simmons)
Q: Do any of your neighbors have any problems with the black-white thing?
A: Yes, almost all of them do, but fortunately, once the crosses burn to the ground, the ashes make wonderful fertilizer. We have the best lawn in the subdivision.
Q: How do you keep from being discriminated against when you two are out together?
A: I make sure that Shnoogs always walks at least 10 steps behind me and that she never makes eye contact with anybody. This preserves the traditional southern social structure and avoids conflict. She is permitted to speak when spoken to, however, provided that I give prior approval of any of her opinions.
(I threw that last one in just for the Californians)
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2 comments:
seriously, i'm busting a gut laughing out loud. i'll direct some people to your blog, i promise. kc
Please do. I'm starting to get to some of my better stuff now. I feel like I'm writing into a vacuum at the moment. Even my wife isn't reading my stuff at the moment.
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