The time I almost hooked up with Tony Braxton

Back in the mid-90's I used to be a "front-end supervisor" at a grocery store called Kroger. This particular Kroger was in a posh suburb of Atlanta, Alpharetta, that, at the time, was the hip suburb for celebrities and athletes to live. As a result, we used to get a lot of big named people coming through the store.

Usually, when one of the more popular celebrities came through, word spread pretty quickly through the staff. Management encouraged this because they, of course, wanted us to suck up to them as much as humanly possible. Since most of us were teenagers, we did too.

"Can I carry your bags sir?"
"Can I find you some fresher milk in the back sir?"
"Can I wipe your bum sir?"

Some of them hated this, and some loved the power. We just wanted an excuse to talk to them.

Hummina Hummina!

I'm not usually one to just walk up to and hit on a woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm a shameless flirt, but I tend to stick with innocent flirtation. I don't tend to "pursue" a girl until I get to know her on a basic friendship level first.

That being said, one day I was walking through the detergent aisle when I passed this chick that was, to put it mildly, the hottest woman I had ever seen in real life. She was wearing a sweatshirt, but you would have thought that she was dressed in shining platinum based on her radiance. We made eye contact, I smiled, she smiled back, and I started mentally planning out our (immediate) future together.

Give me a minute...
...
...OK I'm back.

I walked to the front of the store, and one of the baggers immediately came to tell me something.

"Guess who's in the store."
"Who?"
"Toni Braxton"
"Oh hell"

Yes, dear readers, the woman buying the cleaning supplies was Ms. Braxton.


Figure 1.

Game On...

So I made with the busy work for a while. Until, after what seemed like forever, Ms. Braxton got in line.

I'm not proud of what I did next. Well, I sort of am. She was the 3rd customer in that line. Seeing the opportunity, I did what will probably go down as my most evil act on this planet. I walked over to the register, and told the cashier that it was his break time. Now!

"Don't worry though, I'll run your register until you get back."

...And My Game Is Tight!

Next, I reached up and turned off the light, for the register. Yep, no more customers would be joining the line after her.

I got the next two customers through the register, slowly and made sure that I gave, and received another smile from her before I began. She was only buying four items; I was going to have to work quickly.

[Now, dear readers, let us pause for a moment to contemplate what the idiotic teenager in our story is about to do...
Here we have Eric, a tall, lanky, and acne prone grocery store worker and college student about to hit on Toni freakin' Braxton. Not the soon to be lounge singer Toni Braxton either. Nope, this is the just released a multi-platinum album, "Breath Again" and "Another Sad Love Song" Toni Braxton. Yes, exactly]

I decided to feign ignorance.

e: "Hi, I haven't ever seen you shopping here before"
t: "I travel a lot, so I rarely get time to shop"
e: "That's too bad" (feigned sad look)
t: "What do you mean?"
e: "We smiled at each other in the aisle. You have one of the prettiest smiles I've ever seen. It would have been nice to get to see it more often."

[The rumors are true. George Lucas did, in fact, consult me before writing Anakin Skywalker's "more smooth than sand" pickup line.]

t: "Thank you. That was very nice of you to say" (her eyes had the classic "oh hell" look)

[Here it comes folks, the money shot, are you ready?]

e: "Well, since you won't get to come into the store much, maybe I could get your number and call you some time."

[That sound you just heard was a million pimps all committing suicide.]

t: "I don't think I should do that, but I promise to say Hi next time I'm here" (followed by a smile with the mouth, but not the eyes)

Much to my surprise, but nobody else's, I never did see her come back to the store.

There was some residual benefit though. All the guys I worked with thought I was some sort of hero after that. At the very least, I gained a reputation as a guy with massive cajones.