I used to work in a crappy video store. The goings on of which can constitute another bog on another day. The relevant point in this case is that I lived about a mile from the store, and, being sans automobile, I used to walk to and from work.
Here's a picture of the path I would typically take.
| |
| |
| |
| |
|=| | |
-----------------------------------------------------------------
(very busy road)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
|*|*************************************(end)
|*|
|*|
(Ph34r my mad text art skillz)
It's pretty simple really. I lived off the main road, and the store was on the main road. So I walked to the main road, turned right, and walked some more. Note the little square towards the top-center of the picture. That's the turkey house.
We're almost done setting the scene. Bear with me just a little bit longer.
The turkey house was called that because it was a little house with a very big, non-fenced yard. Every year, the owner would raise a couple dozen turkeys which would subsequently disappear in late November.
The very busy road was one of those roads that, during rush hour, doesn't move. I regularly would walk to my destination faster than the commuters could drive there.
Something that used to amuse me was the way that the turkeys would wander up to the cars during rush hour. Since the cars weren't moving, there was no real fear of becoming road kill, so the turkeys would just come up to the windows and look in. The children in the cars would wave and smile while the parents rolled up the windows. Occasionally, a motorcycle would end up in front of the house and hilarity would ensue.
For those who don't know, turkeys are both evil and stupid. Now stop to think about that combination for a minute.
Stupidity, in and of itself, is generally harmless, and quite amusing. It can be dangerous, no doubt, but that danger lies in it's inherent incompetence. Look at your local government for a great example of this. Go try to start a business, and you will be amazed at the incredible incompetence you will encounter.
Evil, by itself, is manageable. While evil is typically more dangerous than stupidity, at least evil can be defeated. Even Freddy Krueger knew to pick his battles and when to simply give up and run away.
Combine the two though, and you have one of the most annoying forces imaginable. You have, ladies and gentlemen, the turkey. A bird that is not only evil to it's very core, but too stupid to realize when a fight is futile.
So the motorcyclist would be stopped in traffic on the very busy road in front of the turkey house, when some of the turkeys would decide that this trespass on their territory cannot go unpunished. They would approach, timidly at first, closer, closer, and then ATTACK!
They'd nip and beak the poor biker to bits. I was late to work more than once because I'd stopped to enjoy the show. No amount of swatting at the stupid birds would get them to stop.
Picture for a moment, a big hairy biker guy, yelling and swatting and kicking at a small group (flock?) of turkeys that are pecking him in the legs. I wish I had written some of the more imaginative swear words down. The turkeys would always win in the end. The defeated motorcyclist would speed away on the shoulder of the road, fist shaking, engine roaring.
The turkeys, emboldened by their victory, would go back to trying to intimidate the drivers of the cars.
Example of an unprovoked attack.
....
Then one day, it happened. I was on my way to work, and the side of the road I usually walked on was being dug up to bury wires of some sort. I realized, to my horror, that I was going to have to walk on the turkey side.
Here's some more text art showing the path I would have to take that day. Feel free to print it up and frame it.
| |
| |
| |
|=| | |
************************************|*|******
-----------------------------------------------------------------
* (very busy road) *
-----------------------------------------------------------------
|*| **********(end)
|*|
|*|
As I approached the turkey house, I noticed that there weren't any turkeys. It was just after Halloween, so perhaps they had already been disappeared, I thought to myself. My dread quickly turned to elation.
Until I got closer that is. When I was still about 30 yards away, I looked up, and saw a single turkey head looking at me from behind a shrub on the corner of the house. I kept walking. Now, about 15 yards away, two turkeys were looking at me, and gobbling, while at the same time, a terrible noise was coming from the far side of the house. I could hear feathers ruffling, a scratching sound, and A LOT of gobbling. In retrospect, it's possible that my mind was making it seem louder than it really was. Either way, I was nervous. I'm not exactly a big tough hairy biker after all.
I resolved myself to not show fear. Maybe they can sense fear, after all. If I come across as the alpha male, they they'll leave me alone. So I kept walking. I got to the front of the house without incident. That's right, fear me! I am alpha male, and you are just a stupid turkey.
My bravery melted though when I looked up, and there they were. Twenty something birds, staring at me. My eyes locked onto the eyes of the closest bird. I kept walking, it started walking towards me. I sped it, it sped up. I started to jog a little, it broke into a sprint!
F*****************************CK! I yelled as I ran faster than I have ever run in my life. At least 10 of them were on my tail as I sprinted like hell past the line of gridlocked cars, determined to not get mauled by a flock of turkeys.
By the way, turkeys can freaking run man.
I managed to get far enough away that they stopped chasing me. No bites or pecks or whatever they do when they catch you. Although, I did manage to twist an ankle pretty badly.
Once I got across the side street to the right of the turkey house, I stopped. It was clear that I was no longer in their territory. They simply loitered around, gobbling at me, about 20 yards away.
For some reason, maybe it was the adrenaline, I got mad.
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I started throwing rocks at the turkeys. F*CK YOU Turkey! I yelled as I threw rock after rock.
I'll never forget the look on the face of the lady in the car next to me at that moment. After about the 5th rock, I looked at the gridlocked car next to me, and there was this woman, with a look on her face that spoke of both horror and disappointment, watching me throw rocks at the turkeys. I guess she hadn't seen me get almost killed.
I felt so ashamed in that moment.
So, with shoulders slumped, and a newly acquired limp, I continued my walk to the video store.
Epilogue:
The worst part was that I spent the next 6 months as "the guy who ran from the turkeys". Since we were the only video store in a heavily residential area, a good number of the people gridlocked on the very busy road were customers. And of course, they told their friends, who told their friends, etc...
The high school boys in particular loved to bring it up. "You almost got beat down by turkeys" "HAA HAA, you're scared of birds"
Of course, the lady from the car came in a few weeks later too, because life is cruel like that:
"Aren't you the guy who was throwing rocks at the turkeys?"
"Yeah, well they..."
"How old are you? 18?"
"19 actually. See the thing is..."
"I can't believe that you would do that"
"But they..."
"It's very immature, kids could have been watching"
"You don't understand..."
"I hope you never have kids of your own"
*sigh* "yes maam"
Eventually, I quit the video store, and the legend faded in people's memories. The area has changed. The video store is gone now. I wonder if the turkey house is still there.
No comments:
Post a Comment